I love this time of year in the National Football League because it’s draft camp, and that means stories of dumbarse footballers getting up to all sorts of stupid shenanigans. Some of it is fueled by alcohol and/or drugs, to be sure, but in other cases you have to question the sanity of these millionaire twentysomethings who put their body in all kinds of uninsured danger. Who could forget Ben Roethlisberger’s motorcycle accident sans helmet, for instance, or the countless charges brought down on the Cincinnati Bengals last season.

Primary among these stories, in my opinion, is that of Najeh Davenport: current Steeler, former Packer and drafted from the University of Miami (a.k.a. The U). While playing for the U in 2002, Davenport was accused by police of breaking into a female student’s dorm and defecating into her clothes hamper. To my mind, this is the pinnacle of American football misbehaviour. Forget your drive-by shootings and domestic disturbances, nothing is so symbolic of the complete disregard for societal norms as what Najeh did to that poor girl’s wardrobe. Thus, I judge all such incidents - and they are legion, believe me - by ranking them on the official Hamper-Dumper scale, expressed as a percentage of how bad it is compared to laying a borrie amongst an innocent woman’s summer collection, steaming gently next to her dainties.

So, what of this year’s crop so far? Let’s go through them.

• Odell Thurman, who at this point is with the Bengals in name only after two years sitting on the pine with drug bans and DUI charges, is sought by police after allegedly breaking a man’s jaw in a fight while standing in line for a water slide. It must be stated here that Bengals players have to go above and beyond to rate a mention in this list given the entire team’s predilection for violence and substance abuse, but throwing haymakers over a place in a queue at a fun park gets my respect. 68% on the Hamper-Dumper scale.
• Dolphins quarterback Josh McCown busted the index finger on his throwing hand open while using a chainsaw on a treestump at his home in Texas, requiring six stitches and no doubt a clip on the ear from his mother, seeing as how his brother Luke was also nearby. Luke, who is a QB for Tampa Bay but second on their depth chart, is given short shrift in most news stories but it appears he got off scot free. What is it with NFL QBs and their carefree way of subjecting themselves to career-threatening injury to vital pieces of their body not covered with protective materials? 28% on the Hamper-Dumper scale.
• Patriots O-lineman Nick Kaczur pleaded guilty to speeding and possessing 202 OxyContin tablets. This only qualifies due to it being the goody-goody Patriots. 6% on the Hamper-Dumper scale.
• Finally, Buccaneers safety Donte Nicholson had to be tasered twice by police before being subdued in an incident outside a nightclub. Don’t tase an NFL player bro, that just gets him angry! If we see arcs of lightning shooting from a player’s fingertips in the Bucs backfield this season we’ll know who to blame. 17% on the Hamper-Dumper scale.

Tune in for more Hamper-Dumper action the next time an NFL player acts up… should be in about two hours!